I recently returned from a trip to Delhi. The return was uneventful but the onward journey was pretty interesting. This was a personal trip and was not being financed by my office. Being the discerning traveler that I am, I booked myself on the cheapest flight possible. I had booked 2 months in advance and this ticket was so cheap I was a bit scared if they could buy enough fuel to make it to Delhi.
To dispel my fears, I paid 150 Rupees extra for a sandwich and choosing the first row seat as I checked in my baggage. As I boarded the flight I saw a couple of pretty air hostesses and so I said to myself this will be a nice flight. I tell you, nothing pisses me off more than boarding a self sponsored flight to find plain looking air hostesses. I was rather pleased by this low cost airline. As I took my aisle seat I noticed another corporate moron sitting next to me. He was reading something on his PDA and didn’t bother to look up. I couldn’t care less and I took out my notebook and started reading jokes.
Just then an old man walked into the craft. He was bald, had bow legs and wore glasses that were thick enough for deep space exploration. He tried to stuff baggage into the overhead compartment above the first row. Being a frequent flier I knew the air hostess will stop him from doing so as they kept their safety stuff there. Pretty soon the air hostess intervened as he was blocking the path and asked him rather politely:
“Sir, may I help you with that baggage?”
“Yes, you can take out your stuff so I can keep mine.”
“Sir, as per our policy we keep our rescue material here. I can help you with your baggage. I will keep it somewhere else.”
“I am an old man, what will you do when we land, will you bring it back for me too? What if someone takes it away, will you help me track it too?”
The lady did not expect this sort of a questioning. Her pretty ears were not accustomed to such arrogance. Most men would submit in reverence to her beauty and her tight uniform and just accept whatever opinion she had on the cabin baggage. But clearly the old faggot didn’t care much about her form or uniform. She made space in the next compartment by taking out my bags and that of my fellow passenger and asked us if we could keep them under our seats. Being frequent fliers, young, understanding, corporate class and intoxicated by her perfume we agreed. The old gentleman sat right behind our row on the window seat.
The plane was waiting for clearance to take off; the old gentleman called the cute hostess and asked what the matter was. On being told that he needed to be patient, the gentleman asked her to adjust the air vents so that he gets more air while he waits. To be honest even I was feeling the air flow was not good enough but I did not want to disappoint the air hostess. The air hostess turned all the vents towards him.
Just as the plane started to taxi he stood up and demanded he needed to go the restroom. He explained that he was too old to hold it and had nothing to loose as all this teeth were already gone. The air hostess had no option but to allow him a quick visit. After doing his business he stood with the air hostesses preparing meals for everyone and asked her if the sandwich was good. He even got a free sample. He then took his seat and yelled like a cowboy eeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww as the plane took off.
Mid air he started checking the airline magazine for in flight shopping. He asked the air hostess to sit next to him and she helped him choose a necklace for his daughter. He then requested a credit card payment. On being told that only cash payments were accepted he asked the air hostesses why they accepted credit card payments for selling tickets and not for in flight merchandise. The air hostess was short of words. He told us that his plan was to accumulate a massive debt on the card and then die so that the card company has to write it off.
By now he was surrounded by all the air hostesses who admired this old man who had the balls to do and say whatever he wanted. We were missing all the attention. He even told one of the girls that she was very pretty and got an extra coke. All this while me and the guy sitting next to me admired the guy for his guts, energy and humor. In fact many of his wise ass remarks made us laugh and finally we too kept aside out gadgets and started talking. Turned out this PDA guy was pretty cool and we agreed to meet up for a drink when we returned to Chennai.
Disembarking from the flight I bid the old man goodbye who seemed to be annoying at first but turned out to be quite an entertainer. I was thinking to myself, if I have half the sense of humor and energy of this guy when I am his age, I would consider myself lucky.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Nano driving White Tiger Slumdog loves a $10 Laptop
Yesterday I saw Slumdog Millionaire. So much controversy is already surrounding the movie that I don’t know what more to say. But here it goes.
While the supporters hail it as a marvelous movie that accurately portrays the underbelly of Mumbai, the other group sees it as a ghastly attempt at maligning the image of our great nation. We can recall a similar controversy around the book The White Tiger. While this debate is going on the movie has already won Golden Globes and is nominated for Oscars. Fact also remains that the movie has not done well at the Indian Box Office despite its international success. So what’s the ruckus all about?
You see, India is a strange country. Don’t we all know men working for blue chip firms demanding dowry, Page 3 people sheepishly not ordering drinks on a Tuesday night party, Men driving their luxury cars on CNG, Rock music head bangers who hardly understand the lyrics and a small food stall owner who makes more money than McDonalds next door?
I know you are nodding your heads…. That is India! We will pick up a fight with the bus conductor over two rupees and will shower several hundred rupee notes on the dhol wala on a marriage.
My point is it’s not easy to capture India on a single canvas of a book or a movie. India is different things for different people. Most Indians haven’t seen or understood the entire country. Give the foreigners a break! Can a movie or a book really malign the reputation of India? I doubt.
The only thing we need to do is chill out, not be ashamed of who we are and where we are coming from. The only reason Indian IT industry can offer a low cost solution is that for most of the employees a shared flat in a run down area of Middlesbrough is still dream come true! So what?
This is a transition time for India and many portrayals of the country, including the happy ones, may not be accurate. Rather than having a hangover of our golden history we must remind ourselves that quite recently we built the Nano, we landed Chandrayan on the Moon, we made the $10 Laptop, we bought big western firms, we rocked at the joint defense exercises, and we dominated the IT/BPO business. All this while we were mixing Vat 69 with Thumbs Up and munching Kurkure.
I am reminded of a call long time back when I was working for a call centre in Gurgaon. An old American gentleman wanted his computer fixed which he had infected with various Trojans and Spywares having surfed too much porn. He assumed I was an American, despite me using my Indian name, as I was good with the accent. He told me some bloody Indian call centre guy he spoke to earlier, could not fix it and he was happy to speak to an American now. I just went about my business and fixed his computer. When he asked me where I was located, I told him. He was embarrassed and apologized.
That’s all we’ve got to do. Carry on the good work. The misconceptions will disappear with time.
Yes We Can! Jai Ho!
While the supporters hail it as a marvelous movie that accurately portrays the underbelly of Mumbai, the other group sees it as a ghastly attempt at maligning the image of our great nation. We can recall a similar controversy around the book The White Tiger. While this debate is going on the movie has already won Golden Globes and is nominated for Oscars. Fact also remains that the movie has not done well at the Indian Box Office despite its international success. So what’s the ruckus all about?
You see, India is a strange country. Don’t we all know men working for blue chip firms demanding dowry, Page 3 people sheepishly not ordering drinks on a Tuesday night party, Men driving their luxury cars on CNG, Rock music head bangers who hardly understand the lyrics and a small food stall owner who makes more money than McDonalds next door?
I know you are nodding your heads…. That is India! We will pick up a fight with the bus conductor over two rupees and will shower several hundred rupee notes on the dhol wala on a marriage.
My point is it’s not easy to capture India on a single canvas of a book or a movie. India is different things for different people. Most Indians haven’t seen or understood the entire country. Give the foreigners a break! Can a movie or a book really malign the reputation of India? I doubt.
The only thing we need to do is chill out, not be ashamed of who we are and where we are coming from. The only reason Indian IT industry can offer a low cost solution is that for most of the employees a shared flat in a run down area of Middlesbrough is still dream come true! So what?
This is a transition time for India and many portrayals of the country, including the happy ones, may not be accurate. Rather than having a hangover of our golden history we must remind ourselves that quite recently we built the Nano, we landed Chandrayan on the Moon, we made the $10 Laptop, we bought big western firms, we rocked at the joint defense exercises, and we dominated the IT/BPO business. All this while we were mixing Vat 69 with Thumbs Up and munching Kurkure.
I am reminded of a call long time back when I was working for a call centre in Gurgaon. An old American gentleman wanted his computer fixed which he had infected with various Trojans and Spywares having surfed too much porn. He assumed I was an American, despite me using my Indian name, as I was good with the accent. He told me some bloody Indian call centre guy he spoke to earlier, could not fix it and he was happy to speak to an American now. I just went about my business and fixed his computer. When he asked me where I was located, I told him. He was embarrassed and apologized.
That’s all we’ve got to do. Carry on the good work. The misconceptions will disappear with time.
Yes We Can! Jai Ho!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Zen and the Art of Hiring Autos in Chennai
Here’s a guide on how to hire an auto rickshaw in Chennai.
Never ask the auto that is waiting on the stand. The driver will be playing cards, chatting with friends or sleeping and will surely charge you a penalty for infringing on his basic right to enjoyment. Always stop an auto already plying in the direction you want to go in. This way you have a better chance of managing a reasonable rate.
Be prepared to be ripped off. It’s going to happen anyway so set your expectations right. Please understand that at best you can only manage some damage control on fare so don’t expect too much.
Always mention a landmark where you want to get down. Get down exactly at that landmark, take a short walk to your destination but don’t ask the auto driver to take you even 2 meters farther from the landmark you had mentioned. While getting down, point at the landmark and hand him the promised fare. While doing this speak out loud the name of the landmark and the denomination in a robotic voice. For example, (pointing towards the building with one hand and holding a 100 Rupee note in the other) “Kalyani Hospital… Hundred Rupees.” After the transaction don’t look him in the eye and just get down and walk off. Always keep the exact change ready or face a penalty.
If you are talking with someone en route and are assuming that the auto driver does not understand what you speak just because you are using English or Hindi, you are wrong! If you assume that even while he understands what you are saying he will respond to your statements in English or Hindi, You are wrong again!! The auto drivers here are the Zen Masters of the Art of Ripping Off. They have a cartel and create a false language barrier to get more negotiation power.
If the auto driver gets emotional about petrol prices, traffic, hot weather, rain, house rental, auto repair expenses, his 5 girls of a marriageable age, his only son suffering from cancer, police, chief minister, prime minister or Barak Obama don’t get involved in the conversation. Just pretend you did not listen to him. A good tactic is to put on headphones and listen to some music. Conversation is another trap, don’t fall into it.
Here’s how the fare structure works. Let’s say honest fare = Rs 80.
1. Add 30% if he was engaged in recreational activities before you hired him
2. Add 20% if you looked lost when he threw the name of some alternate landmark at you
3. Add 50% if you can’t speak Tamil
4. Add 20% if your complexion is lighter than him
5. Add 50% if it’s really late in the night (after 7 PM)
6. Add 20% if you engaged in any conversation with him while on the way
7. Add 30% if you are dressed well and are sporting a perfume
8. Add 15% if you don’t have exact change
9. Add 50% if it’s raining
10. Add 10% if he ran out of petrol and had to walk off to get some fuel
Lets say nothing works in your favor, given below is the implication.
Minimize the mistakes and control your expenses. Sometimes you are better off calling a cab. Use short and crisp statements while setting a deal. Spice up your conversation with some Tamil words. Use South Indian accent. An example is given below:
Me: Anna… KK Nagar
Auto: (Something in Tamil)
Don’t bother about what he said. After he stops speaking just mention the landmark near your destination. Keep a straight face. This is serious business.
Me: Pondicherry Guest House
Auto: (Something in Tamil)
He may try the classic “confused about the location" trick. Just throw more landmark locations to him that are near your destination. Add aaa sound to most English words you use.
Me: Udayam Theater-a… Left-a…. Pillar-a… Straight-a… Pondicherry Guest House. KK Nagar… 10 meters Pillar-a.
Unless he is a real son of a gun he will nod his head. Don’t board yet. Just signal from your hand how much money he wants don’t say anything more.
Auto: (Something in Tamil)
Me: aaaaa?
Auto: Rs 100
Me: Anna!! What? Poor Man… What Anna? Normal-a 50 Rupees. OK TAKE 60
Now it’s up to you. Keep on negotiating until you find a reasonable rip off rate.
Some tricks you can use are interrupting the conversation for faking a phone call. Respond in English and make it appear that you are not new to Chennai and use Tamil words here and there. It helps to carry a Tamil Pulp Fiction magazine full of sex, murder and conspiracy stories in your hands. This costs about Rs. 10 and is next to currency for Auto Drivers. You can even give the magazine to him and ask for a big discount.
Last but not the least, remember hiring an auto in Chennai is like a Poker Game. You win some you loose some. Mostly you loose. Be a good sport and enjoy it.
Happy traveling!
Never ask the auto that is waiting on the stand. The driver will be playing cards, chatting with friends or sleeping and will surely charge you a penalty for infringing on his basic right to enjoyment. Always stop an auto already plying in the direction you want to go in. This way you have a better chance of managing a reasonable rate.
Be prepared to be ripped off. It’s going to happen anyway so set your expectations right. Please understand that at best you can only manage some damage control on fare so don’t expect too much.
Always mention a landmark where you want to get down. Get down exactly at that landmark, take a short walk to your destination but don’t ask the auto driver to take you even 2 meters farther from the landmark you had mentioned. While getting down, point at the landmark and hand him the promised fare. While doing this speak out loud the name of the landmark and the denomination in a robotic voice. For example, (pointing towards the building with one hand and holding a 100 Rupee note in the other) “Kalyani Hospital… Hundred Rupees.” After the transaction don’t look him in the eye and just get down and walk off. Always keep the exact change ready or face a penalty.
If you are talking with someone en route and are assuming that the auto driver does not understand what you speak just because you are using English or Hindi, you are wrong! If you assume that even while he understands what you are saying he will respond to your statements in English or Hindi, You are wrong again!! The auto drivers here are the Zen Masters of the Art of Ripping Off. They have a cartel and create a false language barrier to get more negotiation power.
If the auto driver gets emotional about petrol prices, traffic, hot weather, rain, house rental, auto repair expenses, his 5 girls of a marriageable age, his only son suffering from cancer, police, chief minister, prime minister or Barak Obama don’t get involved in the conversation. Just pretend you did not listen to him. A good tactic is to put on headphones and listen to some music. Conversation is another trap, don’t fall into it.
Here’s how the fare structure works. Let’s say honest fare = Rs 80.
1. Add 30% if he was engaged in recreational activities before you hired him
2. Add 20% if you looked lost when he threw the name of some alternate landmark at you
3. Add 50% if you can’t speak Tamil
4. Add 20% if your complexion is lighter than him
5. Add 50% if it’s really late in the night (after 7 PM)
6. Add 20% if you engaged in any conversation with him while on the way
7. Add 30% if you are dressed well and are sporting a perfume
8. Add 15% if you don’t have exact change
9. Add 50% if it’s raining
10. Add 10% if he ran out of petrol and had to walk off to get some fuel
Lets say nothing works in your favor, given below is the implication.
Minimize the mistakes and control your expenses. Sometimes you are better off calling a cab. Use short and crisp statements while setting a deal. Spice up your conversation with some Tamil words. Use South Indian accent. An example is given below:
Me: Anna… KK Nagar
Auto: (Something in Tamil)
Don’t bother about what he said. After he stops speaking just mention the landmark near your destination. Keep a straight face. This is serious business.
Me: Pondicherry Guest House
Auto: (Something in Tamil)
He may try the classic “confused about the location" trick. Just throw more landmark locations to him that are near your destination. Add aaa sound to most English words you use.
Me: Udayam Theater-a… Left-a…. Pillar-a… Straight-a… Pondicherry Guest House. KK Nagar… 10 meters Pillar-a.
Unless he is a real son of a gun he will nod his head. Don’t board yet. Just signal from your hand how much money he wants don’t say anything more.
Auto: (Something in Tamil)
Me: aaaaa?
Auto: Rs 100
Me: Anna!! What? Poor Man… What Anna? Normal-a 50 Rupees. OK TAKE 60
Now it’s up to you. Keep on negotiating until you find a reasonable rip off rate.
Some tricks you can use are interrupting the conversation for faking a phone call. Respond in English and make it appear that you are not new to Chennai and use Tamil words here and there. It helps to carry a Tamil Pulp Fiction magazine full of sex, murder and conspiracy stories in your hands. This costs about Rs. 10 and is next to currency for Auto Drivers. You can even give the magazine to him and ask for a big discount.
Last but not the least, remember hiring an auto in Chennai is like a Poker Game. You win some you loose some. Mostly you loose. Be a good sport and enjoy it.
Happy traveling!
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