Jolly Good Old Chap!

I recently returned from a trip to Delhi. The return was uneventful but the onward journey was pretty interesting. This was a personal trip and was not being financed by my office. Being the discerning traveler that I am, I booked myself on the cheapest flight possible. I had booked 2 months in advance and this ticket was so cheap I was a bit scared if they could buy enough fuel to make it to Delhi.

To dispel my fears, I paid 150 Rupees extra for a sandwich and choosing the first row seat as I checked in my baggage. As I boarded the flight I saw a couple of pretty air hostesses and so I said to myself this will be a nice flight. I tell you, nothing pisses me off more than boarding a self sponsored flight to find plain looking air hostesses. I was rather pleased by this low cost airline. As I took my aisle seat I noticed another corporate moron sitting next to me. He was reading something on his PDA and didn’t bother to look up. I couldn’t care less and I took out my notebook and started reading jokes.

Just then an old man walked into the craft. He was bald, had bow legs and wore glasses that were thick enough for deep space exploration. He tried to stuff baggage into the overhead compartment above the first row. Being a frequent flier I knew the air hostess will stop him from doing so as they kept their safety stuff there. Pretty soon the air hostess intervened as he was blocking the path and asked him rather politely:

“Sir, may I help you with that baggage?”
“Yes, you can take out your stuff so I can keep mine.”
“Sir, as per our policy we keep our rescue material here. I can help you with your baggage. I will keep it somewhere else.”
“I am an old man, what will you do when we land, will you bring it back for me too? What if someone takes it away, will you help me track it too?”

The lady did not expect this sort of a questioning. Her pretty ears were not accustomed to such arrogance. Most men would submit in reverence to her beauty and her tight uniform and just accept whatever opinion she had on the cabin baggage. But clearly the old faggot didn’t care much about her form or uniform. She made space in the next compartment by taking out my bags and that of my fellow passenger and asked us if we could keep them under our seats. Being frequent fliers, young, understanding, corporate class and intoxicated by her perfume we agreed. The old gentleman sat right behind our row on the window seat.

The plane was waiting for clearance to take off; the old gentleman called the cute hostess and asked what the matter was. On being told that he needed to be patient, the gentleman asked her to adjust the air vents so that he gets more air while he waits. To be honest even I was feeling the air flow was not good enough but I did not want to disappoint the air hostess. The air hostess turned all the vents towards him.

Just as the plane started to taxi he stood up and demanded he needed to go the restroom. He explained that he was too old to hold it and had nothing to loose as all this teeth were already gone. The air hostess had no option but to allow him a quick visit. After doing his business he stood with the air hostesses preparing meals for everyone and asked her if the sandwich was good. He even got a free sample. He then took his seat and yelled like a cowboy eeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwww as the plane took off.

Mid air he started checking the airline magazine for in flight shopping. He asked the air hostess to sit next to him and she helped him choose a necklace for his daughter. He then requested a credit card payment. On being told that only cash payments were accepted he asked the air hostesses why they accepted credit card payments for selling tickets and not for in flight merchandise. The air hostess was short of words. He told us that his plan was to accumulate a massive debt on the card and then die so that the card company has to write it off.

By now he was surrounded by all the air hostesses who admired this old man who had the balls to do and say whatever he wanted. We were missing all the attention. He even told one of the girls that she was very pretty and got an extra coke. All this while me and the guy sitting next to me admired the guy for his guts, energy and humor. In fact many of his wise ass remarks made us laugh and finally we too kept aside out gadgets and started talking. Turned out this PDA guy was pretty cool and we agreed to meet up for a drink when we returned to Chennai.

Disembarking from the flight I bid the old man goodbye who seemed to be annoying at first but turned out to be quite an entertainer. I was thinking to myself, if I have half the sense of humor and energy of this guy when I am his age, I would consider myself lucky.